Kelly's Journal

Erase the race-ism

Thu, 16 Oct 2008 13:02:50 GMT

I received a forward text this morning of a man with a shirt that said "Ni***r please, it's a WHITE house". The text then proceeded to talk about how that man was the reason why intelligent people should vote and keep Barack Obama out of the White House.

I'm sorry, but that forward to me sounds pretty unintelligent. The color of a man or women's skin is NO indication of how capable they are to command and chief our country. Gender is NO indication of how capable someone is to command and chief our country.

For those of you who are voting based solely on the color of someone's skin, shame on you. For those of you who JUDGE based on the color of someone's skin, shame on you too. Do yourself a favor and get out into the real world. We need to embrace everyone as individuals not as colors.

Erase the race-ism... LOVE WINS!

You get old.... you get smart

Thu, 21 Aug 2008 13:45:44 GMT

I usually only used Live Journal to blog about my loneliness, or about the one guy I wanted to be with for an entire year. But now, I realize that when you get old, you get smart. You grow, you learn, you bloom. In this instance, I've outgrown him. I've become far more independent in the past four months than I could have ever imagined. With that independence I set my sight on my future, moving to a new city to get my career in motion. Meeting new people and starting a life after college. I don't have anymore time for the games I got caught up in. I don't have anymore time to be jealous. 12 months is far too long to wait for something that was never going to come in the first place. You will forever be one of my best friends... but nothing more.

Because

Wed, 23 Apr 2008 13:31:11 GMT

Because the thought of you loving someone other than me kills.

I know I did it to you. And now I'm seeing how it feels. I can't imagine the feelings you're going through. Preparing yourself to lose someone for four months. I never had to do that.

And to know we'll never kiss again... doesn't make it any easier. The next time we see each other will probably be our last and that's just how life works. I should be excited for my new adventures, but instead I'm picturing you with her and I can't think straight.

She's cute, I approve. But you lied.

All The Same

Mon, 14 Apr 2008 14:59:38 GMT

You're all the same, all the same, all the same

Blah

You find out you can't get what you want... so you try to find out what you CAN get instead.

Always looking for the next best thing and searching for all the answers in the world isn't a way of living life... it's a way of destroying it.

Enjoy today, for tomorrow may never come.

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 17:32:54 GMT

I finally cleaned my room
in a deep clearasil clean kind of way

I even cleaned under my bed *GASP* that's about the third time in my life I've ever cleaned under my bed. The real reason is because I lost a very special piece of jewelery and I thought if I cleaned up and down I would find it, but I didn't.

It was hands down my most favorite necklace ever and it held a very significant meaning and it's gone. BUT now my room is spotless (well almost I have to dust my dresser and desk then we're flying high)

I go home tomorrow after work for my cousin's wedding on Saturday which I'm very excited for. Scared though because now that he's married that means my sister is next then me (if we're going in order) which we're not so I'm freaking out about nothing.

I get to see Dan, it's been about a week and a half since I've seen him last. That's all I have to say about that.

And I guess that's all I have to say about anything. I think I'm going to go do some homework... take a nap then go to work and class.

AND THEN PACK FOR THE WEEKEND! :)

Tue, 26 Feb 2008 23:22:53 GMT

I know what it is.

Why you drive me up the wall yet at the same time make me smile.

The times I get pissy are A) the week before my flow and B) when we reach our 3 weeks apart and I hate you SO much... but then I get to see you and it all goes away and I'm happy again.

I spent all day Sunday (okay a good 8 hours) with Dan watching movies and snuggling on the couch. It was great... still not enough time though. SO I'm going to Chicago with him Saturday to go see a friend of his and hit up some bars down there. He made me one of those hand tied blankets for Valentine's day, the top part is green and it has golfers all over it and the back side is black... SO CUTE... even cuter is that he actually made it.

In other news that DOESN'T revolve a boy... my trip to Virginia got canceled due to weather... and I cried. BUT then I got over it and realized I got to spend an extra day with my family of which I missed SO much. AND we rescheduled for March 4th, something tells me that I kinda have the job but they are just making sure I'm not some nasty person... that's just my opinion.

My mom found out her dog has heart worms. Apparently it's not "too bad" but he's still getting sicker and sicker. They think he got it from the place she takes him grooming... so now it's $500 for the treatment and it could kill him. I know I know I know, she should have had the dog on the medicine as soon as she got him... she doesn't think that far ahead though. Like mother like daughter.

Important? Not?

Mon, 11 Feb 2008 18:13:39 GMT

When your mind races a million miles an hour, it's hard to pick out the important things.

I've neglected a few things lately, because my mind has been focused on other things not so important.

Sometimes it's more "fun" to put away the important matters for a while in and live in a la la land. When when the la la land consumes you, it's time to break away and get down to business.

When we were little and we saw something in the store that we wanted, our father always said "well how does it feel to want"?

I want a few things SO badly right now, that the feeling of want inside me is going to drive me crazy. I think I need to pick only one and focus on it, and I know which one that is. But at the same time I don't want to let the other desires fade away, no matter how silly and unrealistic they seem.

I have a pile of things on my plate right now, a lot of which are just there waiting to be completed, others that will never be finished and that's not by choice.

Oh beach how I miss you, oh flip flops I hear you calling my name.

Lets break out of our funk what do you say?

relationships suck

Sun, 03 Feb 2008 20:06:46 GMT

I get so emotional during the first week of the month, and it drives me crazy.

But I guess it doesn't help when he gets an attitude and gets nasty to me, when I'm only trying to help.

Or whenever I try to give advice he compares me to his ex-girlfriend in a not complimenting way.

When I don't understand him, he raises his voice to make me understand... which only pisses me off.

We're learning each other and our relationship is growing, but it's still very difficult.

I'm going as far to say that he needs to adjust his attitude against me and see that I'm not out to get him like he may think, I'm out to help him.

Wed, 23 Jan 2008 05:57:49 GMT

Things were great until now.

We're back in the cycle of me wanting all and him wanting nothing.

When will I get it through my head that I deserve more than that?

Maybe when I actually have time to devote to someone other than myself.

My plate is full, but I'm not hungry at all.

I'm not what he wants and he knows it... that's why it's taking so long.

Yo Yo

Fri, 28 Dec 2007 15:47:08 GMT

And then you go and pull crap like you did last night

and I fall even more in love with you.

Gah, I don't even think you know.

Fri, 28 Dec 2007 02:26:17 GMT

I end up even more confused than where I started from when it all boils down to it.
Blah blah blah
Same ol crap different day.

It's a lot easier when I'm with you as opposed to 3 hours away.
I always find we have our most important conversations in the most inadequate locations/ times.
IE drunk or in a loud noisy place where we have to scream our feelings to another.

And when we are alone together with nothing to do, it's total silence. Which I guess is good, because you don't have to be talking all the time eh?

This live journal thing is almost just a way for me to get my feelings out about you, with out you ever knowing it because you don't read it.

It's a false sense of accomplishment... but I'll take it.

What?

Wed, 19 Dec 2007 02:54:57 GMT

Did I really?

Yes I did.

Ummm... totally worth it.

What I Know in My Heart

Tue, 04 Dec 2007 04:12:44 GMT

Baby, look here at me
Have you ever seen me this way
I've been fumblin' for words
Through the tears and the hurt and the
Pain
I'm gonna lay it all out
On the line tonight
And I think that it's time
To tell this uphill fight goodbye

Have ever had to love someone
That just don't feel the same
Tryin' to make somebody care for you
The way I do
Is like tryin' to catch the rain
And if love is really forever
I'm a winner at a losin' game

I know that baby, you tried
To find me somewhere inside of you
But you know you can't lie
Girl, you can't hide the truth
Sometimes two hearts
Just can't dance to the same beat
So I'll pack up my things
And I'll take what remains of me

I know that I'll never be the man that you need or love
Yeah, baby it's killin' me to stand here and see
I'm not what you've been dreamin' of

A Puddle of Tears

Mon, 15 Oct 2007 03:51:48 GMT

She lies on her bed in nothing more than a towel, letting her bedside fan dry her damp skin leaving goose bumps on the surface. Having come straight from the shower, she finds herself surrounded by a pool of water, water and tears.
She was afraid to cry in the shower, scared someone might hear her echoes, so she quietly tip toed into her bedroom and slid under her pillow to muffle her tears.

Her tears are the result of loneliness. For one solid year she has been without love in her life, she has been without a companion. She thinks that the busier she is the less she’ll worry about relationships and heart ache. Unfortunately for her, it is the rare moments that she isn’t occupied that the abandonment she feels consumes her and leaves her feeling helpless.

Her friends always mention that she’s stretching herself too thin, over working herself and being too caught up with work and school to relax. Little do they know that it is the feeling of relaxation that brings her to her lowest point; when instead of feeling sorry for herself, she prays. She prays for strength, peace, acceptance and above all else patience within herself.

She knows there is nothing more difficult than grasping the fact that God works in his own time, not hers. During her prayer, she prays for her future husband of whom she’s never met. She prays that he accepts her and appreciates her; she prays that she can make him the happiest man in the world.

An hour passes. Still wrapped in her cotton towel, she finally has the strength to open her eyes. Wet spots on the sheets where her face was pressed against are reminders of her loneliness; only small reminders, because after her prayers the Lord took away all her fears and set her heart at ease.

She’s learned to let go and let God. She’s learned to accept the fact that there are some things in life you can’t change, and that’s okay. Fully dry for nearly forty minutes she slips on her pajamas and falls asleep. The once wet towel, now dry, lying on the bedroom floor and a once broken heart lies within her healing one day at a time.

Mon, 01 Oct 2007 02:49:57 GMT

I think I made a great decision.

It feels really good to break rules once in a while.

But now I have to deal with the repercussions tomorrow morning.

Totally worth it.

Early Morning....

Mon, 03 Sep 2007 14:53:22 GMT

I really have nothing of importance to write about. This weekend was amazing but for some reason I was uber depressed. Maybe it's because I'm sick and need time to chill out and relax before school starts. Or maybe because my house was absolutely empty and my other friends are gone on vacation and super busy.

God answered a prayer I had Saturday night. We were asked to pray for God to open our hearts and to confess to him things that are holding us back in our lives. So I prayed... and afterward I felt nothing. I didn't feel relief of my burdens, I didn't feel like everything was going to be okay, I just felt like I told him what I needed to say and continued on with worship.

Not two hours later, my prayer was answered. To be perfectly honest I didn't have a specific prayer... it was just an open ended prayer... I wasn't going to be picky. But God knew exactly what I wanted, even when I didn't, and he supplied.

Now does this mean that things will play out how I'd like them to in the future? We'll have to wait and see. But I do know that this is the fastest answered prayer I've ever had in my life.

AND I'm really excited. It's not my timing though, it's God's timing.

The "Friend Zone"

Wed, 29 Aug 2007 02:16:07 GMT

Here is how you know you've been put into the friend zone.

When a guy you're dating consistently talks about how he's single and loves it and can't wait to live it up and get around.

When a guy you're dating calls you to tell you about all the hot MILFS and underage slut bags who want to screw him at work.

My question? If you're not looking for a relationship, why date? Why not just meet random people and hook up with them. It's my fault... I knew from the beginning that there was no chance for a relationship and that he enjoyed his women. At the time we started "talking" I didn't want a relationship either. But as I caught myself falling for him, he slaps me in the friend zone. This is a good thing, this helps clear up his feelings for me and shows me that I'm nothing more than a good time. (Which I knew and I'm okay with that because to be honest I am a good time). But it just sucks that I let myself invest... when I knew I shouldn't have in the first place.

Always listen to your own jiminy cricket. He's always right.

I can enjoy the friend zone though, it's still a nice place to be... with him anyway.

Sex and the City is ALWAYS right

Mon, 13 Aug 2007 23:44:07 GMT

"Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free til they find someone just as wild to run with them." - Sex and the City

Could this be true? Is it possible that you don't really ever need to settle down? This quote reminds me of an amazing girlfriend of mine, whos spirit is as wild as the wind. I could never see her settling down, but I can see her life being amazing.

Within the past few months I've been able to learn to go with the flow of life. Not calculate every minute, or play out situations in my head. But recently I feel myself trying to fight emotions away that I don't want to have right now; Like the feeling of commitment or the feeling of contentment. Even though those aren't bad feelings to have, I just can't pull myself together right now to have them. Call me crazy but I'm still kind of broken inside even after all these months I'm still affected by a broken relationship. So I wonder do we ever REALLY heal? Or do we just try to cover up the wound so it won’t scar?

As someone I'm no longer very fond of once told me "If life were black and white it would be a whole lot easier Kelly". Even though I hate him, he's right.
.

My Downstairs Neighbor....

Wed, 18 Jul 2007 02:51:45 GMT

My downstairs neighbor is really cute. And when I come home at night... he's usually on his couch watching TV. I usuall peek in quickly just to catch a glimpse.... it's harmless. Although.. one day if he could just like open his door and be like "hey"... that would be cool too. Only in dreams I suppose! HA!

Blind Dates...

Thu, 12 Jul 2007 13:26:28 GMT

So I went on a blind date yesterday and OMG it was just about the worst date I have ever been on. First we show up to see our movie we meet, he's totally cute, walk in to get our tickets and he doesn't even move to get his wallet out to pay for the movie... not even pretending to pay. So I pay for my own, but we have a few hours to kill before it starts so we walk around down town. The minute he started talking I knew this was going to be a long night.

Went to Old Peninsula for some drinks and food because lord knows I needed to slam a few beers to enjoy the night. Our conversations were like talking to a twelve year old, a twelve year old who had never been taught to not talk with his mouthfull. He had this big spot of sour cream on his face almost the whole way through dinner, but I didn't have the heart to tell him.... and it was kind of amusing.

On a side note, my car is a transformer... yep you heard it here first folks... Honda Civic made a transformer and it's all mine! Woo hoo!

Chicken or go?

Tue, 03 Jul 2007 04:04:52 GMT

Growing up we’re faced with multiple “games” to attract and test the waters with the opposite sex such as spin the bottle, seven minutes in heaven and truth or dare. When you’re young everything is so simple. If the bottle lands on you it’s just a peck on the cheek or if you answer to dare, you would have to smash an egg on your head or stick your foot in the toilet.
As you get older the stakes get higher. Now it’s not just a peck on the cheek but rather a nice sloppy wet one with lots of tongue and those seven minutes in heaven spill over far beyond your parent’s basement closet into your boyfriend’s 1996 Ford Mustang.
I bring up these examples because we as human beings are hypocrites. Every available person I know always says the same thing “I want a relationship with no games, none of that B.S.”. When in all actuality all a relationship is, is one big game. But instead of taking turns making out with all of your friends after drinking too much soda and watching Saved By the Bell, you now find yourself grown adults all alone trying to impress the other with how adventurous you can be… kind of like the game chicken or go… if you don’t know that one, ask my roommate.
Every man I meet or every date I go out on I’m always asked the same question “how is it that a pretty girl like your self is single”? And I think to myself, I say “self… you have two options you can tell him the lie that you’re just not looking for a relationship and that you’re way to busy to even consider a boyfriend. Or you can tell him the truth that no many how many expensive dinners he takes you to, or how many times he opens your door… you’re not going to sleep with him.”
Nine times out of ten I lie, because I just hope maybe I can make him like me enough to stick around… even with out the sex. Of course it never works out and I get the always appreciated “I really respect you for that, good luck.” Gah it’s like nails on a chalk board only worse, it’s across my heart. I’ve come to the realization that I’m just not going to find what I need in my life until I get past the sea of one track minded college boys. And although at times it’s very discouraging my convictions are strong and I will not bend under pressure.
So when asked chicken or go? I proudly answer “Chicken”.

Thank You & F**K You

Mon, 02 Jul 2007 03:03:06 GMT

If you go out on a date with someone not knowing they have a girlfriend... are you still considered a home wrecker? I mean really you have no idea, and it's not your intention to break up a relationship... so does that term still apply to you? We all know that the guy who took you out can be deemed a dick head... but what is your title? I'd like to think misled and used.

Could you ever date someone who left their girlfriend for you? Knowing in the back of your mind they may just as well do to you what they did to her? Or do you give the benefit of the doubt and see what happens?

I wish my life had gone in a different direction a year ago. I wish I had never opened my heart to a stranger 800 miles away. Because that stranger ruined any chance of me trusting anyone ever again. Although, I did need someone to shatter my rose colored glasses and show me the world is black and white. So I think I owe him a "Thank You" as well as a "F**K You".

I wish I didn't feel so needy right now. I absolutely hate feeling like I'm depending on someone or something. I hate that without knowing it I get myself into messed up situations. A lot of it has to do with my hasty approach to life. I never think twice I just go with it. That also goes with my quick tongue which has also gotten me in a few jams of its own.

I'm only writing this because I'm procrastinating on going to sleep, although it's much needed, I secretly don't want tomorrow to come. Instead I wish it could stay Sunday forever and I won't have to face what life has in store for me.

If you made it through this entire entry... I feel sorry for you, but also thank you for sticking with me.

Good Night!

Super Random

Thu, 14 Jun 2007 12:29:07 GMT

Sooo randomness keeps following me around... and it makes me smile.

I get a friend request on Myspace the other night from what looks to be my favorite radio station... so I was totally excited and accepted the request. Then it turns out that infact it WASN'T the radio station... but one of the DJ's from that station... and a pretty good DJ at that (oh yea total hottie, total cowboy... you know how I like 'em)

So we just start talking back and forth and well I dunno... it's super strange and weird but exciting?? Maybe?

I don't know... just random stuff... kind of crazy... but that's summer for ya right? HA! Alright I'm going to go to class... have a GREAT DAY!

Oh Answers...

Tue, 12 Jun 2007 02:14:25 GMT

This weekend answered a lot of questions that I had going into my vacation. But also opened another world of quesions. Don't you hate when that happens?

I got to horse back ride, kiack (?), climb waterfalls, hike, rock climb etc etc etc... all in one weekend.

I got to escape from my little world I created for five glorious days and now that I'm smack back in the middle of my own little world... I miss the one I was a visitor to. Life is so different in the UP.. and it's only 7 hours away.

I didn't wear heels ONCE this entire weekend... infact I didnt even curl my hair. I was pretty impressed with myself.. I even got a few scrapes and bruises.

But now I'm lonely. Being surrounded by friends and constant activity can tire you out, but it sure is quiet being all alone.

I think it's time for bed.

Confirmation

Tue, 05 Jun 2007 03:37:27 GMT

I got what I was looking for
which came in the form of a
"You still want me to come up to see you"
"Omg... are you kidding? Yer joking right?"
That made me feel a whole HECK of a lot better.
And now I can sleep with a smile on my face because in exactly (ish) 2 days I will be in Marquette with a wonderful friend who I haven't seen in 5 years. Yippie!!!